We had the primary program today

I've decided I need new deodorant because I was sweating before church even started. Ugh.   No where else is this a problem. Just primary (and associated stuff apparently). 

So I ran across an article the other day. On Facebook I think.  The first married Dugger girl (of 19 kids and counting) is pregnant.  She was announcing it before 12 weeks and people were saying that wasn't the norm and why announce it in your first trimester?   She basically said that even if she were to have a miscarriage, that even if the baby only lived for a few weeks, its life should be celebrated.

This statement hit me hard. The Baby's life should be celebrated.

There are a few things you need to know about me. I've had some issues with pregnancy. Specifically staying pregnant.

We had the girls without any problems.  Mia was a terror so we decided to wait a bit before having any more.  Then I had an ectopic pregnancy.  That was unexpected and hard.  After that, we decided we were ready for more children.  Imagine our surprise when it took over a year to get pregnant.  And then after all of that time, I suffered a miscarriage.   It was heartbreaking after such a long wait to lose a baby around 6 weeks.

We were so happy when we found out we were having Ned.  What a wonderful surprise.  It was one of those crazy things.  We suspected we were pregnant as we drove home from a family vacation. Once we arrived home we found the power to our freezer had gone out and we had lost a whole freezer full of meat which was now very thawed out and just putrid.  It wasn't a fun mess to clean up. But Milton told me the only thing that got him through was knowing we might be pregnant.

Ned was and still is our joy. Between torturing his brothers that is :) .  But he is most definitely a favorite child of the whole family. So sweet. So polite.  Such a boy at times. Teasing his brothers isn't the best, but we are trying  to teach him he is trying to learn and behave.

When Ned was only 9 months old, we decided it was time to try for a sibling for him.  He had taken a long time to get here, so we expected a long wait for a sibling.  Imagine our surprise when after just 1 month we found out we were expecting.  And then at our 19 week ultrasound we found out it was twins!  It was exciting and terrifying.

The twins have been a joy.  We love them very much. We have been trying to decide if our family is whole.  last summer (2013) we unexpectedly found out we were pregnant.  There would only be 17 weeks between the twins and this new little one.  We were excited but TERRIFIED.  I was still nursing the twins, and I joked about eating for 4.

We went our merry way, preparing for this baby.  Only to suffer another miscarriage around 8 or 9 weeks.

We were devastated.  This baby had been unplanned, but not unwanted.

Once again, we got caught up in life (as you do with twins) and were trying to decide if we were done.  I was uncertain.  Milton was tired.  So was I.

Fast forward to the spring of 2014.  We found out that we were unexpectedly expecting.  The boys were getting busier and busier and Milton and I didn't know how we were going to do it. After a little bit of time to get used to the idea, we were on board.  We had a doctors visit and then an ultrasound to verify the due date. Milton's birthday. I teased him that this was his gift. They pulled the due date in because the baby was measuring big. I don't remember the new due date. So much has happened since then.

Just a week after the ultra sound we had a very sudden miscarriage.  I was 17 weeks along and so had to go to the ER. Because of the way everything happened, I couldn't even travel the 30 minutes to my doctor or my hospital.

I was supposed to do sharing time that day and only myself and the secretary were there, everyone else was on vacation since it was the weekend of the 4th of July.  I had to text our home teacher to tell her since no one else was answering texts in sacrament meeting.  Poor lady had to run primary by herself and come up with sharing time in less than an hour.

The ER was a surreal experience where I reminded Milton to wish his sister happy birthday, the OBGYN on call talked about chickens and turkeys, and we saw our sons body.

I won't say we met him because he had passed away at least a few days earlier. His spirit was gone, his body was still.  It all happened so fast. I was getting ready for church, and then I was yelling for Milton - who was getting the boys changed for church - to come and help me.

We later found out (after pathology) that the placenta had grown to large and my body couldn't keep up with the blood supply needed for such a large placenta.  It must have been really big since I had done 2 placentas (the twins) just a few years earlier.  It also explained some pretty crazy heart palpitations I had experienced in the weeks earlier. They worried me so much I told Milton there was no way I would have any more babies - it was to scary.

This was an experience that I never want to have again and never would wish on another person.

I've had a rough few months as we have processed this.  It was nothing like losing a baby early in pregnancy.  We had ultrasound pictures of hands and legs, and seen ultrasound of a very active baby.  The body we saw in the ER was nothing like that.  My poor little one's body had passed and the fingers and toes were no longer moving and waving or even looking much like a baby should.  

Milton and I are doing well now, after some hard months. I think the hardest was when Milton had to go on a business trip 2 weeks after everything. I thought I was OK, but I cried the whole way home from dropping him off at the airport. 

Its been a rough few months and I've found purpose in my children. Its wonderful that we have children. Especially ones that will let me hug and cuddle them when I'm feeling down.

I've been through the whys? and was it my faults? You find yourself in this situation and you torture those questions.  I had a physical scheduled. I had to know if it was my fault. Was I healthy?  Thankfully I was able to get those answers. After finding out the placenta formed in a way that wouldn't support life, and that I was healthy, I found some peace.  When the doctor told me that the placenta was most likely at fault for my heart palpitations, I found some more peace. I am finding more and more peace everyday.

After it initially happened, we told only our girls and a few other people.  We hadn't told many people about the pregnancy, so it was easy to keep quiet.  I am finally at the point where I can talk about it. I don't like to talk about it. But I can.

I have been feeling the need to share what happened for a little while, but wasn't ready. After reading about the oldest Dugger girl, I can't deny my need to talk about it.

These little ones need to be celebrated.  Their lives were short.  They ended unexpectedly. They were wanted and desired.  They were loved.