Sunday, September 28, 2014

Finding myself...again

And so it goes.  I've come to the conclusion that you can never just define yourself.  As I have more children and life and challenges come to me, I have to find myself again.  I don't mean religiously. I know I am a daughter of God.  I mean, find ways to express myself, time for myself - find ways to be Megan, all the while being Mom.

I've found that as my days get busier with everything, this task is bigger and bigger.  I find the time to work out, but I just don't have the time for expressing myself creatively anymore.  I love crocheting, don't mind sewing, tolerate knitting, and dabble in a bunch of other things. but the last time I sewed was last year, the last time I spun wool into yarn was 2+ years ago. I did crochet a bit last month, I haven't knitted for at least 6 months.  I did do some origami last month.... How did I find time for it? I remember my kids and house suffering for a few days.  Maybe that is the answer.  Not make time for it. TAKE time for it.  That and I've noticed that time spent on electrical devices is a lot of wasted time. Not all of it, but a lot. I need to be more organized with my time.

Hmmm things to think about. 

Monday, September 15, 2014

We had the primary program today

I've decided I need new deodorant because I was sweating before church even started. Ugh.   No where else is this a problem. Just primary (and associated stuff apparently). 

So I ran across an article the other day. On Facebook I think.  The first married Dugger girl (of 19 kids and counting) is pregnant.  She was announcing it before 12 weeks and people were saying that wasn't the norm and why announce it in your first trimester?   She basically said that even if she were to have a miscarriage, that even if the baby only lived for a few weeks, its life should be celebrated.

This statement hit me hard. The Baby's life should be celebrated.

There are a few things you need to know about me. I've had some issues with pregnancy. Specifically staying pregnant.

We had the girls without any problems.  Mia was a terror so we decided to wait a bit before having any more.  Then I had an ectopic pregnancy.  That was unexpected and hard.  After that, we decided we were ready for more children.  Imagine our surprise when it took over a year to get pregnant.  And then after all of that time, I suffered a miscarriage.   It was heartbreaking after such a long wait to lose a baby around 6 weeks.

We were so happy when we found out we were having Ned.  What a wonderful surprise.  It was one of those crazy things.  We suspected we were pregnant as we drove home from a family vacation. Once we arrived home we found the power to our freezer had gone out and we had lost a whole freezer full of meat which was now very thawed out and just putrid.  It wasn't a fun mess to clean up. But Milton told me the only thing that got him through was knowing we might be pregnant.

Ned was and still is our joy. Between torturing his brothers that is :) .  But he is most definitely a favorite child of the whole family. So sweet. So polite.  Such a boy at times. Teasing his brothers isn't the best, but we are trying  to teach him he is trying to learn and behave.

When Ned was only 9 months old, we decided it was time to try for a sibling for him.  He had taken a long time to get here, so we expected a long wait for a sibling.  Imagine our surprise when after just 1 month we found out we were expecting.  And then at our 19 week ultrasound we found out it was twins!  It was exciting and terrifying.

The twins have been a joy.  We love them very much. We have been trying to decide if our family is whole.  last summer (2013) we unexpectedly found out we were pregnant.  There would only be 17 weeks between the twins and this new little one.  We were excited but TERRIFIED.  I was still nursing the twins, and I joked about eating for 4.

We went our merry way, preparing for this baby.  Only to suffer another miscarriage around 8 or 9 weeks.

We were devastated.  This baby had been unplanned, but not unwanted.

Once again, we got caught up in life (as you do with twins) and were trying to decide if we were done.  I was uncertain.  Milton was tired.  So was I.

Fast forward to the spring of 2014.  We found out that we were unexpectedly expecting.  The boys were getting busier and busier and Milton and I didn't know how we were going to do it. After a little bit of time to get used to the idea, we were on board.  We had a doctors visit and then an ultrasound to verify the due date. Milton's birthday. I teased him that this was his gift. They pulled the due date in because the baby was measuring big. I don't remember the new due date. So much has happened since then.

Just a week after the ultra sound we had a very sudden miscarriage.  I was 17 weeks along and so had to go to the ER. Because of the way everything happened, I couldn't even travel the 30 minutes to my doctor or my hospital.

I was supposed to do sharing time that day and only myself and the secretary were there, everyone else was on vacation since it was the weekend of the 4th of July.  I had to text our home teacher to tell her since no one else was answering texts in sacrament meeting.  Poor lady had to run primary by herself and come up with sharing time in less than an hour.

The ER was a surreal experience where I reminded Milton to wish his sister happy birthday, the OBGYN on call talked about chickens and turkeys, and we saw our sons body.

I won't say we met him because he had passed away at least a few days earlier. His spirit was gone, his body was still.  It all happened so fast. I was getting ready for church, and then I was yelling for Milton - who was getting the boys changed for church - to come and help me.

We later found out (after pathology) that the placenta had grown to large and my body couldn't keep up with the blood supply needed for such a large placenta.  It must have been really big since I had done 2 placentas (the twins) just a few years earlier.  It also explained some pretty crazy heart palpitations I had experienced in the weeks earlier. They worried me so much I told Milton there was no way I would have any more babies - it was to scary.

This was an experience that I never want to have again and never would wish on another person.

I've had a rough few months as we have processed this.  It was nothing like losing a baby early in pregnancy.  We had ultrasound pictures of hands and legs, and seen ultrasound of a very active baby.  The body we saw in the ER was nothing like that.  My poor little one's body had passed and the fingers and toes were no longer moving and waving or even looking much like a baby should.  

Milton and I are doing well now, after some hard months. I think the hardest was when Milton had to go on a business trip 2 weeks after everything. I thought I was OK, but I cried the whole way home from dropping him off at the airport. 

Its been a rough few months and I've found purpose in my children. Its wonderful that we have children. Especially ones that will let me hug and cuddle them when I'm feeling down.

I've been through the whys? and was it my faults? You find yourself in this situation and you torture those questions.  I had a physical scheduled. I had to know if it was my fault. Was I healthy?  Thankfully I was able to get those answers. After finding out the placenta formed in a way that wouldn't support life, and that I was healthy, I found some peace.  When the doctor told me that the placenta was most likely at fault for my heart palpitations, I found some more peace. I am finding more and more peace everyday.

After it initially happened, we told only our girls and a few other people.  We hadn't told many people about the pregnancy, so it was easy to keep quiet.  I am finally at the point where I can talk about it. I don't like to talk about it. But I can.

I have been feeling the need to share what happened for a little while, but wasn't ready. After reading about the oldest Dugger girl, I can't deny my need to talk about it.

These little ones need to be celebrated.  Their lives were short.  They ended unexpectedly. They were wanted and desired.  They were loved.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

So its been a while

It has been a while since I posted. Mostly because I didn't feel like talking about some intense things that happened in my life this summer.

Anyhow, I need to blog because life keeps happening and I need to keep a record of it.

The twins turned 2 a few days ago.  Where did those 2 years go? Gone in a flash! 

Quinten is a thumb sucker. That one is totally my fault. See, somewhere in the twins first year I noticed that I was always giving attention to Quinten. He insisted on it.  Nolan was quiet and always fine and as a result didn't get as much attention. So one day I decided to switch it up. I held Nolan for much of the day and made Quinten get down and go sit with Daddy.  I did this for about a day. It didn't go over well with Quinten and as a result he started to self soothe with his thumb.

What I learned from all of this?  Nolan could care less. he is just a cool calm kid. Happy to do his own thing, occasional attention from Mom is fine.  Quinten is more needy.  He needs lots of assurance and loves and cuddles.  He wants to sit with me all the time.

Different personalities. Lots to learn as a mom of twins.  I guess I can feel the guilt every time we have an orthodontist appointment later in life.

Quinten is also one who has a smile on his face all the time.  Loves to climb and be active.

They both love to swing on the swingset.  They swing on their tummies.  Their are only 2 swings (and 2 additional baby swings) and they get fought over with Ned there also, but there is always something else to do outside, so fights don't last long.

All 3 boys love to play in the garden.  They love to dig in the dirt, splash in any puddles, and be like mom. That last one is ok for the most part until they decide they need  to help me harvest.   We lose a lot of peppers that way.

Ned was helping me pull out old corn stalks the other day to feed to the cows and we got matching paper type cuts (what do you call them when they are from corn leafs? Corn cuts?)  He loved how happy this made the cows. They love those stalks!

Speaking of the cows, a cow licked my hand the other day.  I think I may be getting to friendly with the black cow the girls call skunk face.  Its got a weird black and white design on its face.  Anyway, we have a peach tree in the pasture that hangs over the fence from the neighbors.  They don't ever harvest it and the fruit just drops.  I started out by throwing some to the cows and they would eat them.  But then the black cow started following me over there and I was basically just giving him some (the other cow didn't care).  And then I noticed he would get really close to me before nervously jumping away.  so the other day I held out a peach to him and he would have eaten it out of my hand. Except I jumped when that gross tongue touched my hand.  Yuck! 

Nolan is our singer.  He also is our talker.  Its all mumbled at this point for the most part but very definite.  If you want him to start singing, just belt out "Let it Go!" (from Frozen) and he will take it from there,.  Unfortunately he only knows that one line. But he is so cute.

Ned also likes to sing and will go around singing "The best 2 years! The best 2 years!" which is a movie we watch on Sundays.  Today he was singing that and I remembered that on Sunday he was singing Follow the Prophet after Nursery. So I started singing that and he joined right in.  To my surprise Nolan joined in. Very mumbly, but singing.  So then a round of Let it go was called for so that Nolan could sing some actual words.  It was all very cute. 

The boys (all 3) love going outside and I don't know what we are going to do when it gets cold.  The mere mention of outside has all 3 racing for the back door and Nolan saying "Side!!".   They also love getting their shoes on so they can go.  We may have to visit Grandma a lot this winter because taking all 3 of them anywhere by myself is nearly impossible.  Maybe we can talk Grandma into visiting story time at the library with us.

For the boys birthday we had Thai food for dinner and then the girls and Dad raced off to soccer practice.  After they came home we had a yellow cake (almond flavored) with lemon curd filling and cream cheese frosting. It was very good.  A little home made vanilla frosting and yum!  They got some new toys that light up and sing, and they were in heaven.  They got a few flashlights that make noise and some new toy cars.  Ned has already claimed many of the toys as his own and there have been lots of grabbing and pulling away.  Luckily 2 days later it seems to have calmed down.

Cecilee has started middle school. She loves it and enjoys her friends.  I think she enjoys the responsibility and is always talking about tests and which subjects she has and her locker and all that sort of stuff.  I enjoy the access to the library. She has been checking out books here and there for me. I'm in heaven.  We are not in a library district so don't have access unless we go with Grandma. And that is fine and fun, but it can be complicated to try and do anything with boys along.   I enjoy YA fantasy (E.D. Baker, Jessica Day George, etc) and they have lots of it there!

Mia is enjoying her new teacher. He has made her a team leader which is great because she has to lead a team and encourage them to do good and turn in work, etc. Which means she is more aware of the importance of doing that herself. YAY!  Its been a great motivation. She is doing well.

I get to bring both of them to the bus stop each morning and wait with them. to many crazies out there to do anything else.  It has us up early since the middle school bus arrives an hour+ before the elementary school bus, but its a good time to have one on one time with my girls.

Milton and I doing well.  We have been trying to keep up with these girls and boys.  Soccer practice, the primary program, birthdays, school.  Some day I've got to figure out how to keep up. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time.